Is This Thing On?

Helloooooo out there! I have no idea if anyone is even reading this, but blogging and working out have worked wonders for me figuring everything out, and so I shall continue.

So, what is the connection between my heart condition and why I *thought* I had to have a baby, like, right this second? I'll need another surgery -- in....well, I really don't know. And I don't want to be pregnant during surgery if I can help it. Makes sense, right? The frustrating part about my condition is that when I see my cardiologist, I get a progress report. "Pacemaker looks good... it looks like you'll need another implant in 5 years." The bottom line is, everytime I see my cardiologist, I get a countdown. And so the thing about me is, I'm a major control freak and like to plan everything out in my head before I do it.

Married at age 25 -- check
Bought a house at age 28 -- check

Well....what was the next step after all of this? Having a baby!

I always had it in my head that I wanted to have my first baby by the time I turned 30. Why, I have no idea. Well, one thing that I think is helping me get over all of these problems is the fact that I DID turn 30 in February. And guess what? Nobody died, my husband and I are still breathing, and I'm sure I still have eggs.

I also had it in my head that I needed to have the 2 biological kids that DH and I are going to have before my next surgery. So this is where this crazy paranoia began and why I had to get pregnant, like now.

I thought I was running out of time -- and this inspired this all-consuming FREAKOUT!

What I've learned from all of this, is that I need to start living differently and STOP planning every single detail of my life out. Maybe I'll have a baby this year. Or maybe I'll have a baby next year. I'm 30 now -- if I don't have a baby until I'm 32, it's going to be okay.

I'm going to stop putting such an incredible amount of pressure on myself. We'll have kids when we have them. If I have a baby soon, and then I need another surgery when we're ready to have another baby, then maybe we can adopt. We can make our own rules and we DON'T have to figure it all out now.

I'm seeing now, that it's not that I had to have a BABY -- I just didn't want to fail at something.