Go Mr. Bella!

My husband has already lost almost 20 pounds, from less than a month of eating healthy and working out. Wow, I'm really impressed with him! I know there's obviously no way he can continue his weight loss at that pace (and really, once he hits another 30 pounds, he'll really be at a pretty healthy weight for his height). Why can't women lose it that quickly? *pouts*

Major Changes

DH and I are both going through some major life changes right now, and it feels amazing! I'm not going to be sad about the IUI anymore. It's in the past, it didn't work, and we're moving on.

Right now, instead of focusing on my own sadness which I've done for way too long, I'm going to start enjoying life for the first time in a long time. DH joined Gold's Gym a few weeks ago and has bought some sessions with a personal trainer. They're expensive and I was against it at first, but he pointed out to me that if he's going to get in shape, he needs to make sure that he doesn't injure himself in the process. So, that means he needs to make sure he's using the equipment properly as he's getting back to working out again for the first time in over 10 years. DH joined the Air Force right after high school and had to drop weight to get in...obviously he had to work out throughout Basic Training and all of that, but then he was in the Guard and did the whole one-weekend a month thing (to pay for college). He gained ALL of the weight he had lost and then some. I am so, so proud of him and this is something I have been wanting him to do for YEARS. Funny how nagging doesn't work. If it wasn't for the crappy S/A results, I don't know if he ever would've found this motivation. He's watching everything he eats, counting calories and is working out. I am so, so proud of him and am so lucky to have him.

So I can't have DH out there working out, getting fit, while I sit around and feel sorry for myself. It's just not going to happen. I lost 20 lbs. on Weight Watchers a few years ago, then got laid off from my job, got depressed and gained it all back. I've been yo-yo dieting for pretty much as far back as I can remember and I'm done with that too. I've decided, I'm joining Gold's Gym and DH and I are going to start having workout dates! We went and worked out together yesterday and after 40 minutes of some cardio, I high fived DH and said, "We're doing this." If I'm not going to get pregnant, then I'm going to get skinny! I can't remember the last time I felt so determined about something and I'm really really excited about it. When I was doing Weight Watchers a few years ago, DH kind of laughed at me. He complimented me, said I looked better, but I never really felt like he was 100% supportive of my efforts. I was hoping that my weight loss would motivate him and it didn't. Then I gained it back and obviously that wasn't going to motivate him, lol. But now we're doing it together.

Take that, Infertility. I'll show you -- you think you're going to get us down, but we're fighting back!

IUI #1 Was A Bust

It's official: IUI #1 was a failure. On Friday, I was crushed. I just couldn't believe it. Why was I so sure that it would work? The odds were obviously not in our favor -- with that being the first time I've ever been on any sort of fertility medication (it may take several tries to get the right combination), combined with DH's super low sperm count. Of COURSE it didn't work. I think I'm irritated with myself at how high I had gotten my hopes up about it. We were supposed to have a November baby, 11/11/11 to be exact. We were going to have all sorts of 'nerd fun' with a 'binary baby' and we were going to announce to our families on Easter, right around 2nd tri that we were expecting.

Oh, Infertility, how you've fooled me once again. I thought I had you beaten down, but you have proven me wrong.

Where do we go from here? Honestly, I'm not sure. I know I still need my HSG and DH is going to likely need some bloodwork and probably an ultrasound to determine what's going on with him. But as far as when we will do another treatment cycle, I'm just not sure at this point. What I can say for certain is that I'll get through this just like I've gotten through everything else in my life -- with my head held high and with even more determination to get through the next big hurdle.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Maybe my chart was just looking a little TOO good to be true. Today, I had a decent sized temp drop. It could mean nothing (I'm still above the coverline) or it could mean that it's only a matter of time before AF shows.

I've been feeling a slight amount of cramping since 3DPO. Today was the most that it's been. I wouldn't have been shocked if AF had arrived today, honestly. She's still holding off, for now.

The bad thing about VERY rarely ovulating is that a) I have no idea what my normal LP is, and b) I have no idea what my body normally does between ovulation and AF. The cramping, lower back pain, and occasional creamy CM could be early pregnancy symptoms. Or they could just be the after effects of ovulation and pre-AF symptoms. Only time will tell.

I Just Don't "Feel" Pregnant

Today is 10DPO and, I'm not going to lie, my chart looks amazing. I feel like I should be giddy just looking at it, but I'm still a bundle of nerves. I don't feel any different. My lower back is a little bit achy, every now and then I have a random abdominal cramp, but otherwise, I feel the exact same. I'm checking the toilet paper everytime I go to the bathroom for signs of AF, and the mere thought of taking a pregnancy test makes me very, very nervous. Every morning when I take my temperature, I'm a bundle of nerves. I'm hopeful that my temperature will stay up, but I'm scared to death that it's all going to come crashing down. How on earth am I going to get through the next couple of days with some of my sanity in tact?

Still Waiting

This 2WW is dragging by. I feel like it's messing with my head too. One minute, I feel really excited, like this is going to happen this month, and the next minute, I feel like I'm setting myself up for the biggest disappointment of my life, by being so hopeful.

I'm ready for a lot of things. I'm ready to be a mom, and I'm ready for pregnancy and everything good and bad that comes with it. What I'm not ready for is to see a big fat negative on a pregnancy test. What I'm not ready for is to go to the bathroom and find out that my period has arrived yet again. I'm not ready for that yet.

I'm going to try my best to hold out until next Friday, a week from today, to test, if I possibly can. That is when my RE's office suggested that I test and since I'll be 14 DPO on that day, I feel confident that I'll get an accurate result that day. Of course, my period could arrive by then (and I'm already nervous every time I go to the bathroom checking for it), but if I can just make it that far without it, then maybe, just maybe, I will get my BFP.

Officially in the 2WW

I have to ask, HOW do people do this every month? Seriously, I just keep staring at my chart. I have no idea what I'm expecting to see (I'm only 4DPO today), but I can't stop looking at it. This is pretty much the first chance I've actually had to get pregnant in the past 14 months we've been TTC. I wish I could somehow fast forward the next 10 days or so, so I could test and find out, one way or the other. Even Mr. Bella is taking an interest in my chart. He's never taken any kind of interest before in my charting "habit," but he asked me last night if he could see it, so I showed it to him and tried to explain that it looks good so far. And....we wait.

"I Feel Like Something's Happening"

I love to quote movies -- often times, they're "stupid" movies. Mr. Bella and his sense of humor have rubbed off on me over the years. I've been known to just start randomly quoting movies in conversation -- usually it's quotes from The 40 Year Old Virgin, but at the moment, it's Step Brothers.

To quote Step Brothers, "I feel like something's happening!"

I'm having some strange twinges in my lower abdomen that I'm not used to feeling. I'm definitely not crazy enough to think I'm pregnant yet, but hopefully it's my body ovulating. I gave myself an Ovidrel injection on Wednesday and had my IUI yesterday morning. Something *should* definitely be happening inside my body right now, and hopefully it is.

Now What?

I'm so nervous. I keep thinking, "What if this IUI doesn't work?" I'm not getting my hopes up, but if it doesn't, I just know I'm going to be absolutely heartbroken and devastated. I know we can always do another one, and that sometimes it takes a few to work. But if I get a BFN after all of this, I don't know what I'll do.

One thing I've already thought about, is that if this IUI doesn't work, Mr. Bella and I need to take a step back, and take a break -- not a break from TTC of course, but from treatments. I haven't even had my HSG yet, and we also don't know why Mr. Bella's sperm count is low. It could be a very quick and easy fix, for all we know. Maybe the supplements our RE started Mr. Bella on can increase his count. We haven't even given those a chance to work yet! In a way, I might be regretting moving forward with this IUI. I feel like our RE was probably a little quick to even recommend it, since we haven't even finished our testing yet. Since there's no known reason for why I don't ovulate on my own, maybe I actually can ovulate, if I lose some more weight and get in shape. I've already lost almost 10 pounds and need to lose another 10 pounds before I'm considered at a healthy weight. Mr. Bella is on a health kick to lose 50 pounds. He joined a gym for the first time ever and has been working out several times per week. He even purchased some sessions with a personal trainer. Maybe if Mr. Bella keeps up with his new healthy lifestyle, his sperm count will increase on its own.

If this IUI doesn't work, we're going to take a step back, finish our testing, and focus on getting healthy. I don't want to do any more treatments until I know that Mr. Bella and I are in the best physical shape possible. Also, maybe if we focus on our health we can still do this on our own. Obviously, this IUI could still work and I'm not throwing in the towel yet by any means. I just always have to think of what the next step is, to prepare myself, and if this IUI doesn't work, then this is the next step for us.

Let The Waiting Game Begin!

I went for my first IUI this morning. There's good news and bad news, but I'll get the bad news out of the way first. Mr. Bella's sperm count is low again. I didn't ask the specific number, and they didn't tell me, other than to say it's low. I really had a lot of hope after our appointment with the urologist (since he didn't find anything wrong and said S/A's can be inaccurate) that his count was okay, but that's just not the case, I guess. So I guess IUI really is the right option for us. Now, the good news is that my RE, Dr. W said that the sperm that Mr. Bella does have, look good and they look like good, strong swimmers -- there's just not a ton of them. But of course, all we need is one to get the job done. Dr. W said he's encouraged by that, and is optimistic about our chances, so that was very good to hear. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but Dr. W actually seemed kind of excited after he took a look at Mr. Bella's swimmers. He obviously does this a lot, so hopefully that's a good sign.

The procedure itself was uncomfortable, but not painful. They actually showed me Mr. Bella's sperm under the microscope before they did it, which was very very cool to see them moving all around. So, that's done :) Now I just have to get through the next 2 weeks without driving myself crazy! I don't know how this will turn out, obviously, but I am feeling good and pretty optimistic for the first time, that this might actually happen.

Let's Go For It

Today, I had another ultrasound appointment with my RE, Dr. W. Today, he was absolutely convinced that my follicle will be ready to go on Friday for an IUI, and so, it is scheduled. I was also told that I would need to give myself an injection of Ovidrel today, at 3:30 p.m. to make myself ovulate.

I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I've heard of people talking about giving themselves injections, but I didn't know if that was something that was *always* done, or just sometimes, or what. I have no idea what the answer to that is, but all I knew is that I was going to have to do it. I really wish it could've waited until I got home tonight, but my RE's office explained that the timing has to be perfect, and that it has to be so many hours before the IUI. So I went to work and freaked out. I told my good friend and coworker, J, who knows about our treatments, everything. I'm pretty sure she didn't even know what an IUI was before today, but I gave her the rundown. She said she's pretty fascinated by this and is excited for us. I told her it's definitely a lot more fascinating when you're not the one who is going through it.

I gave myself the injection, at work, and J helped prepare the needle by flicking the bubbles out of it. For some reason, I was more nervous about that part than doing the actual injection. I was afraid I would flick it too hard and somehow break it or something. So J did that part and then stood outside the stall in the bathroom while I gave myself the injection. It was no big deal at all -- it barely even hurt. I know I can do this again if I have to -- I just hope that I don't.

Whirlwind Week

This week has been quite the whirlwind already, so I need to catch up on the past few days.

Monday morning, I had an ultrasound appointment with my RE, Dr. W. He said everything looks good -- my lining, my cervix, is absolutely perfect and I have one good follicle. On Monday, he thought the follicle was ready to go, but after doing some bloodwork, found that not to be the case. The suggestion is IUI. I have mixed feelings about this. First of all, am I crazy that I haven't even had my HSG yet and I'm ready to move forward with this step? Perhaps. Second of all, I'm pretty much convinced that the only reason Dr. W is suggesting IUI is because he's convinced Mr. Bella has a sperm problem. I'm not convinced of that though, after we met with the urologist. That's why Mr. Bella was supposed to have another S/A done, but his appointment was cancelled last week and we figured we would just wait until next cycle. I've already taken the Clomid and I knew we would need to start 'getting busy,' therefore, the S/A would obviously interfere with that.

I talked to Mr. Bella about the IUI on Monday, since we initially thought we would be doing it on Wednesday, and he said, 'let's go for it.' Maybe it's necessary, maybe it's not. Maybe Mr. Bella has a sperm problem, or maybe he doesn't. The bottom line, though, is that if it can help increase our chances for conceiving this first treatment cycle, then I am all for it. Besides, I figure we'll just have to BIO quite a bit afterwards, and then if we conceive, we'll never know, was it the IUI or not.

We're not against IUI morally, but I do wonder whether, if this works, we'll tell our families. I can imagine I would tell my sister and my brother because we're pretty close and I think they would understand. But my super Catholic mother? I'm just not sure she would want to know. What would Mr. Bella's family say? I'm not sure, but I guess we can figure it out later. We have to see if this is actually going to work first or not.

What's Worse?

What's worse, being nagged, "When are you having a baby?" or when the nagging stops? Mr. Bella and I have been together for nearly 12 years and married for going on 5 years. The nagging from his family to have a baby started at my bridal shower. It continued, steadily increased, and then at some point last year, came to a screeching halt. Now, no one talks about, "When you have kids" or "When you're parents," and in a way, I think that's more uncomfortable than when they were talking about it all the time.

Do they talk about us being infertile? Do they wonder if it's me, or him? Do they expect an announcement letting them know that we'll be adopting, or letting them know that biological children just aren't in our future?

I think all of this kind of hit me last night when we were at dinner with our families, for my birthday. I had been concerned about whether or not Mr. Bella's family would expect a pregnancy announcement. Why, I'm not sure. I guess since it's pretty much the only thing I can think about anymore, I just assume that everyone else is thinking about it too, even though we haven't told his family anything, and they haven't asked. I purposely ordered a drink right away to avoid any kind of questioning looks. There were none at all. And then I realized, I don't think anyone is expecting this to happen for us anymore.

Our 4 year old nephew had a blowout when his parents were trying to leave the restaurant, so they had to quickly find a change of clothes, take him in the bathroom to change him, all while trying to avoid causing a scene. As Mr. Bella's sister was leaving with her family, my mother-in-law said to both of us, "That's the problem with having kids -- it's hard to plan anything, and things like this always happen at the worst possible time." I didn't say anything, but it hit me, she's trying to subtly let us know it's okay to be childless.

It's NOT okay to be childless, not for me, and not for Mr. Bella. That's just not an option for us, but we don't want them to know what's going on either.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that we're doing fertility treatments, but I'm scared of what Mr. Bella's family would say if they knew. I know people have some very ignorant opinions with regard to infertility and I'm trying with everything in me to be strong with what we're going through, that I don't think I have any additional strength to face the ignorance. "Maybe God's trying to tell you you're not meant to be parents." "Just relax and it will happen." "You'll have a baby when you're supposed to -- don't try to force it." Any of those comments would likely set me over the edge at this point, and I just can't give them the opportunity to do that to me right now. Once we have a pregnancy to announce, and be excited about, I have no problem letting anyone know what we had to go through to get there. But I just can't do it until we reach that point.

It's kind of strange to say, but I kind of wish for the days when people would ask us when we'll be having children. As much as I appreciate the lack of questions as it implies some respect for our privacy, I now feel like the big white elephant in the room. I don't know what's worse, but all I know is I can't wait to get to the other side of this journey and put all of these "what if's" behind me.

Feeling Calm

Lately, I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of calm and reassurance. I can't explain it, but I hope it doesn't go away. I truly, truly believe, for the first time, that no matter what happens, everything is going to be just fine. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty nervous, and I know I'll be nervous for my monitoring appointment on Monday morning, but overall, I feel really good. No matter how this -- this cycle, this journey -- turns out, my husband and I will be perfectly okay. It's all in God's hands now.