Well, I haven't blogged in a little while, so I figured I should check in! Work is craaaaaazy and part of me wants to look for a new job, but I'm also scared to do that. My job gets to me, BUT it's extremely secure. The shape that the economy is in right now actually is making us busier, therefore, I have a LOT of job security. The law firm I worked at previously laid me (and approximately 75 other people) off due to lack of work, therefore, the thought of giving my job up for something that may or may not work out, scares me. Hmm...
Otherwise, things are pretty good. Mr. Bella and I are still kicking butt at the gym. He's lost 20 pounds of PURE fat! His trainer did his measurements and was able to determine that no muscle mass was lost whatsoever and that all of the weight he lost was actual fat. We've ordered another 3 month supply of Mr. Bella's Fertility Blend for Men, and are just taking things one day at a time. I'm not opposed to doing more IUI's, but at $400 each (not to mention the toll that I put my body through on the fertility drugs), we're going to try to see if we can make his count increase on our own first. A lot of times, I know that RE's only want to do 3 IUI's before moving onto IVF and this was all just happening way too quickly for me. I'm not ready to even think about IVF yet and I can't imagine how we would even afford it at this point, so that's why I wanted to take a step back so badly.
Part of me thinks that maybe we should just go back to the urologist to see if he can get some bloodwork or an ultrasound or something done, but I'm kind of enjoying this relaxed approach at the moment. We very well may revisit that in another couple of months. But for now, we're going to try to enjoy life and stop worrying so much.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Happy Tuesday!
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!
I think today is going to be a great day. First, I have a therapy session (yeah, that's right, I'm seeing a therapist now), then I'm going to work, and then Mr. Bella and I have a workout date tonight. It's been a few days since we've been to the gym, so I'm pretty excited about getting back into our routine!
I do still want a baby, but I need to work on myself first. Mr. Bella and I both have weight to lose, healthy eating to do, some debt to pay off, money to save, and lots of living to do. There will always be time for fertility treatments later. And hey, if I end up getting pregnant somewhere in there, then that will be a wonderful surprise :)
I think today is going to be a great day. First, I have a therapy session (yeah, that's right, I'm seeing a therapist now), then I'm going to work, and then Mr. Bella and I have a workout date tonight. It's been a few days since we've been to the gym, so I'm pretty excited about getting back into our routine!
I do still want a baby, but I need to work on myself first. Mr. Bella and I both have weight to lose, healthy eating to do, some debt to pay off, money to save, and lots of living to do. There will always be time for fertility treatments later. And hey, if I end up getting pregnant somewhere in there, then that will be a wonderful surprise :)
Friday, March 4, 2011
Is This Thing On?
Helloooooo out there! I have no idea if anyone is even reading this, but blogging and working out have worked wonders for me figuring everything out, and so I shall continue.
So, what is the connection between my heart condition and why I *thought* I had to have a baby, like, right this second? I'll need another surgery -- in....well, I really don't know. And I don't want to be pregnant during surgery if I can help it. Makes sense, right? The frustrating part about my condition is that when I see my cardiologist, I get a progress report. "Pacemaker looks good... it looks like you'll need another implant in 5 years." The bottom line is, everytime I see my cardiologist, I get a countdown. And so the thing about me is, I'm a major control freak and like to plan everything out in my head before I do it.
Married at age 25 -- check
Bought a house at age 28 -- check
Well....what was the next step after all of this? Having a baby!
I always had it in my head that I wanted to have my first baby by the time I turned 30. Why, I have no idea. Well, one thing that I think is helping me get over all of these problems is the fact that I DID turn 30 in February. And guess what? Nobody died, my husband and I are still breathing, and I'm sure I still have eggs.
I also had it in my head that I needed to have the 2 biological kids that DH and I are going to have before my next surgery. So this is where this crazy paranoia began and why I had to get pregnant, like now.
I thought I was running out of time -- and this inspired this all-consuming FREAKOUT!
What I've learned from all of this, is that I need to start living differently and STOP planning every single detail of my life out. Maybe I'll have a baby this year. Or maybe I'll have a baby next year. I'm 30 now -- if I don't have a baby until I'm 32, it's going to be okay.
I'm going to stop putting such an incredible amount of pressure on myself. We'll have kids when we have them. If I have a baby soon, and then I need another surgery when we're ready to have another baby, then maybe we can adopt. We can make our own rules and we DON'T have to figure it all out now.
I'm seeing now, that it's not that I had to have a BABY -- I just didn't want to fail at something.
So, what is the connection between my heart condition and why I *thought* I had to have a baby, like, right this second? I'll need another surgery -- in....well, I really don't know. And I don't want to be pregnant during surgery if I can help it. Makes sense, right? The frustrating part about my condition is that when I see my cardiologist, I get a progress report. "Pacemaker looks good... it looks like you'll need another implant in 5 years." The bottom line is, everytime I see my cardiologist, I get a countdown. And so the thing about me is, I'm a major control freak and like to plan everything out in my head before I do it.
Married at age 25 -- check
Bought a house at age 28 -- check
Well....what was the next step after all of this? Having a baby!
I always had it in my head that I wanted to have my first baby by the time I turned 30. Why, I have no idea. Well, one thing that I think is helping me get over all of these problems is the fact that I DID turn 30 in February. And guess what? Nobody died, my husband and I are still breathing, and I'm sure I still have eggs.
I also had it in my head that I needed to have the 2 biological kids that DH and I are going to have before my next surgery. So this is where this crazy paranoia began and why I had to get pregnant, like now.
I thought I was running out of time -- and this inspired this all-consuming FREAKOUT!
What I've learned from all of this, is that I need to start living differently and STOP planning every single detail of my life out. Maybe I'll have a baby this year. Or maybe I'll have a baby next year. I'm 30 now -- if I don't have a baby until I'm 32, it's going to be okay.
I'm going to stop putting such an incredible amount of pressure on myself. We'll have kids when we have them. If I have a baby soon, and then I need another surgery when we're ready to have another baby, then maybe we can adopt. We can make our own rules and we DON'T have to figure it all out now.
I'm seeing now, that it's not that I had to have a BABY -- I just didn't want to fail at something.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Lightbulb!
I get it now -- this whole working out thing. I understand how it can be addictive and why people do it -- it makes you feel wonderful about yourself!
I also now completely understand The Biggest Loser. You have overweight, unhappy people (because really, are overweight people usually happy? If you were happy, you'd have the motivation to change yourself!) who are pretty much forced to workout. During these workouts, the trainers talk to them. They're not really showing them what to do (because most people know what to do anyway when it comes to fitness) -- they're giving them the self-confidence to actually do it -- and continue doing it.
Also during these workouts, the contestants have gigantic, earth-shattering revelations about exactly WHY they're overweight and what they've been holding in their entire lives. What they've been using FOOD to cover up. I had my moment yesterday.
I've been carrying around this excess weight my whole life because of my heart condition. I've always wondered why I never really wanted to talk about it with people, unless I'm close to them. In my head, I *thought* it was because I didn't want them judging me. I had rationalized in my head that this was a good idea. Now, I can see that I've been ashamed of it. I've been walking around for the past 30 years, feeling broken on the inside and not even realizing it. My parents were extremely overprotective of me. Not only was I their "baby," but I was broken. And because of that (not that I'm totally blaming my parents, but I think you get what I mean), I've treated myself that way. I'm done with that now that I understand that's what I'm doing.
I don't want to obsess about this too (Mr. Bella says now I'm even obsessing about how I'm not going to obsess anymore), but I really feel that this is a turning point in my life. There are some other, more private revelations I've had as well that confirm all of this. I won't get into everything on this blog. The bottom line is: I'm finally making some changes to make myself feel wonderful about myself for the first time in my life!
I also now completely understand The Biggest Loser. You have overweight, unhappy people (because really, are overweight people usually happy? If you were happy, you'd have the motivation to change yourself!) who are pretty much forced to workout. During these workouts, the trainers talk to them. They're not really showing them what to do (because most people know what to do anyway when it comes to fitness) -- they're giving them the self-confidence to actually do it -- and continue doing it.
Also during these workouts, the contestants have gigantic, earth-shattering revelations about exactly WHY they're overweight and what they've been holding in their entire lives. What they've been using FOOD to cover up. I had my moment yesterday.
I've been carrying around this excess weight my whole life because of my heart condition. I've always wondered why I never really wanted to talk about it with people, unless I'm close to them. In my head, I *thought* it was because I didn't want them judging me. I had rationalized in my head that this was a good idea. Now, I can see that I've been ashamed of it. I've been walking around for the past 30 years, feeling broken on the inside and not even realizing it. My parents were extremely overprotective of me. Not only was I their "baby," but I was broken. And because of that (not that I'm totally blaming my parents, but I think you get what I mean), I've treated myself that way. I'm done with that now that I understand that's what I'm doing.
I don't want to obsess about this too (Mr. Bella says now I'm even obsessing about how I'm not going to obsess anymore), but I really feel that this is a turning point in my life. There are some other, more private revelations I've had as well that confirm all of this. I won't get into everything on this blog. The bottom line is: I'm finally making some changes to make myself feel wonderful about myself for the first time in my life!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
More Discovery
Again, I feel like I'm in therapy. What is going on with me?
So...I think the whole reason I got so baby-obsessed is because I've been trying to fill this gigantic void I've had in my life with a baby. And I now realize how ridiculous that is.
Being pregnant, or becoming a mother, is not going to make anyone's problems go away. If you have weight issues (like I do), then once you get pregnant, you're still going to have those same weight issues (only they're going to be complicated by the fact that you can't lose weight because you're pregnant). If you're unhappy beforehand, like I was, getting pregnant and becoming a mother aren't going to necessarily change that. Actually, due to all the hormones and everything else raging inside of your body, if you're not exactly well-balanced beforehand, pregnancy and motherhood may make your unhappiness much worse. Why was I too blinded to see all of this before now?
I'm not saying Mr. Bella and I are going to start using condoms again, and I'm certainly not going to go back on the pill. But if the 'cosmic' reason that he and I have been unable to have a baby so far, is so that we can deal with some emotional baggage we've been carrying around, and some physical baggage as well, then I am absolutely thankful that this has happened. The past 15 months have felt like a punishment and have been absolutely miserable for me. But I'm starting to really have a greater understanding of why I think it happened.
So...I think the whole reason I got so baby-obsessed is because I've been trying to fill this gigantic void I've had in my life with a baby. And I now realize how ridiculous that is.
Being pregnant, or becoming a mother, is not going to make anyone's problems go away. If you have weight issues (like I do), then once you get pregnant, you're still going to have those same weight issues (only they're going to be complicated by the fact that you can't lose weight because you're pregnant). If you're unhappy beforehand, like I was, getting pregnant and becoming a mother aren't going to necessarily change that. Actually, due to all the hormones and everything else raging inside of your body, if you're not exactly well-balanced beforehand, pregnancy and motherhood may make your unhappiness much worse. Why was I too blinded to see all of this before now?
I'm not saying Mr. Bella and I are going to start using condoms again, and I'm certainly not going to go back on the pill. But if the 'cosmic' reason that he and I have been unable to have a baby so far, is so that we can deal with some emotional baggage we've been carrying around, and some physical baggage as well, then I am absolutely thankful that this has happened. The past 15 months have felt like a punishment and have been absolutely miserable for me. But I'm starting to really have a greater understanding of why I think it happened.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
More About Me
I'm starting to have a real eye-opening discovery about myself and some things that have been going on in my life for awhile, and before I share everything I'm starting to realize, I need to share more about myself and my background.
I was born with a heart condition which wasn't discovered by my pediatrician until I was 5. I have a condition called Third-degree atrioventricular block, a.k.a Third-degree AV block, a.k.a. complete heart block. Basically, what this means (and I certainly don't work in the medical profession, so this will be in complete layman's terms) is that the electrical impulses that lead from my atrium (the top half of my heart) to the ventricles (the lower half of my heart) don't work well together. My heart is healthy, but the 'electricity' inside of it is broken, if that makes sense. What this means for my heart is that naturally, it beats very slowly. My parents were told when my condition was discovered that I would definitely need a pacemaker eventually, and that the doctors would keep a close eye on me to make sure that I was implanted with one before something bad happened. I had my first surgery at age 11. I currently am on my 4th device at age 30.
Honestly, despite my condition, I've been very very lucky so far. I've hardly ever had a single symptom related to my heart. The doctors always told my parents all these horror stories of how I could potentially faint, and all of these scary things that could happen. They never did. I am so thankful for that, but sometimes I feel guilty for it too, as crazy as that probably sounds. Some people die of this condition if it isn't caught early. Luckily for me, it was discovered in my childhood, it's being treated, and I can live a normal life. I'm a member of a 'pacemaker support group' on the internet and of course, there are members of all different ages. The things these women with similar heart conditions have gone through are very upsetting to hear about sometimes. I met a girl recently who is my age and who is in and out of the hospital due to her condition all the time. She had another open heart surgery very recently. I feel guilty when they ask me about my experience, and my story is so drastically different from theirs.
I actually feel guilty for not having worse things happen to me? Does that make sense? This is so stupid, and I'm now starting to realize that I do this. I've been through a lot of crap in my life (some of which, I'll be honest, I likely won't share on this blog) and for some reason, part of my personality is to do what, feel guilty because I haven't gone through worse? I understand keeping your head held high, which is something I've always tried to do, but I think sometimes you go through things in your life that you have to embrace, and can't run away from. Emotionally, I'm realizing that I've been running away from a lot of things in my life, and I need to stop doing that right now, and start living again.
I was born with a heart condition which wasn't discovered by my pediatrician until I was 5. I have a condition called Third-degree atrioventricular block, a.k.a Third-degree AV block, a.k.a. complete heart block. Basically, what this means (and I certainly don't work in the medical profession, so this will be in complete layman's terms) is that the electrical impulses that lead from my atrium (the top half of my heart) to the ventricles (the lower half of my heart) don't work well together. My heart is healthy, but the 'electricity' inside of it is broken, if that makes sense. What this means for my heart is that naturally, it beats very slowly. My parents were told when my condition was discovered that I would definitely need a pacemaker eventually, and that the doctors would keep a close eye on me to make sure that I was implanted with one before something bad happened. I had my first surgery at age 11. I currently am on my 4th device at age 30.
Honestly, despite my condition, I've been very very lucky so far. I've hardly ever had a single symptom related to my heart. The doctors always told my parents all these horror stories of how I could potentially faint, and all of these scary things that could happen. They never did. I am so thankful for that, but sometimes I feel guilty for it too, as crazy as that probably sounds. Some people die of this condition if it isn't caught early. Luckily for me, it was discovered in my childhood, it's being treated, and I can live a normal life. I'm a member of a 'pacemaker support group' on the internet and of course, there are members of all different ages. The things these women with similar heart conditions have gone through are very upsetting to hear about sometimes. I met a girl recently who is my age and who is in and out of the hospital due to her condition all the time. She had another open heart surgery very recently. I feel guilty when they ask me about my experience, and my story is so drastically different from theirs.
I actually feel guilty for not having worse things happen to me? Does that make sense? This is so stupid, and I'm now starting to realize that I do this. I've been through a lot of crap in my life (some of which, I'll be honest, I likely won't share on this blog) and for some reason, part of my personality is to do what, feel guilty because I haven't gone through worse? I understand keeping your head held high, which is something I've always tried to do, but I think sometimes you go through things in your life that you have to embrace, and can't run away from. Emotionally, I'm realizing that I've been running away from a lot of things in my life, and I need to stop doing that right now, and start living again.
New Blog Name!
I've changed my blog name to reflect the attitude change that I was in desperate need for. I may have baggage, but I've got blessings too, and I'm not going to forget it!
Am I Crazy?
OK, so I've been through almost all of my infertility testing. Everything except the HSG. My bloodwork and ultrasound were both normal. Is it possible that I had a year's worth of anovulatory cycles because I was stressing so much about it, or does that sound crazy? I don't have PCOS, I don't have endometriosis, or any other medical condition related to fertility. Is there any real reason why DH and I can't just do this on our own with no help whatsoever? I know he only had 5 million sperm in his S/A, but I've read stories online where men had even fewer than that (it only takes one!) and were able to father children. I'm not obsessing over this (I promise!), just honestly wondering it to myself.
I asked DH what he thought, and he thinks I'm being overly optimistic. He thinks we'll need some help conceiving, but honestly, I'm not so sure anymore. My mindset has completely changed, and I don't know what exactly happened that made that happen. I feel like I just got out of therapy, or started taking anti-depressants or something. I honestly feel like an entirely new person and I have no idea how that happened. Did the Clomid make me normal again? :P
I asked DH what he thought, and he thinks I'm being overly optimistic. He thinks we'll need some help conceiving, but honestly, I'm not so sure anymore. My mindset has completely changed, and I don't know what exactly happened that made that happen. I feel like I just got out of therapy, or started taking anti-depressants or something. I honestly feel like an entirely new person and I have no idea how that happened. Did the Clomid make me normal again? :P
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