More Discovery

Again, I feel like I'm in therapy. What is going on with me?

So...I think the whole reason I got so baby-obsessed is because I've been trying to fill this gigantic void I've had in my life with a baby. And I now realize how ridiculous that is.

Being pregnant, or becoming a mother, is not going to make anyone's problems go away. If you have weight issues (like I do), then once you get pregnant, you're still going to have those same weight issues (only they're going to be complicated by the fact that you can't lose weight because you're pregnant). If you're unhappy beforehand, like I was, getting pregnant and becoming a mother aren't going to necessarily change that. Actually, due to all the hormones and everything else raging inside of your body, if you're not exactly well-balanced beforehand, pregnancy and motherhood may make your unhappiness much worse. Why was I too blinded to see all of this before now?

I'm not saying Mr. Bella and I are going to start using condoms again, and I'm certainly not going to go back on the pill. But if the 'cosmic' reason that he and I have been unable to have a baby so far, is so that we can deal with some emotional baggage we've been carrying around, and some physical baggage as well, then I am absolutely thankful that this has happened. The past 15 months have felt like a punishment and have been absolutely miserable for me. But I'm starting to really have a greater understanding of why I think it happened.