Lightbulb!

I get it now -- this whole working out thing. I understand how it can be addictive and why people do it -- it makes you feel wonderful about yourself!

I also now completely understand The Biggest Loser. You have overweight, unhappy people (because really, are overweight people usually happy? If you were happy, you'd have the motivation to change yourself!) who are pretty much forced to workout. During these workouts, the trainers talk to them. They're not really showing them what to do (because most people know what to do anyway when it comes to fitness) -- they're giving them the self-confidence to actually do it -- and continue doing it.

Also during these workouts, the contestants have gigantic, earth-shattering revelations about exactly WHY they're overweight and what they've been holding in their entire lives. What they've been using FOOD to cover up. I had my moment yesterday.

I've been carrying around this excess weight my whole life because of my heart condition. I've always wondered why I never really wanted to talk about it with people, unless I'm close to them. In my head, I *thought* it was because I didn't want them judging me. I had rationalized in my head that this was a good idea. Now, I can see that I've been ashamed of it. I've been walking around for the past 30 years, feeling broken on the inside and not even realizing it. My parents were extremely overprotective of me. Not only was I their "baby," but I was broken. And because of that (not that I'm totally blaming my parents, but I think you get what I mean), I've treated myself that way. I'm done with that now that I understand that's what I'm doing.

I don't want to obsess about this too (Mr. Bella says now I'm even obsessing about how I'm not going to obsess anymore), but I really feel that this is a turning point in my life. There are some other, more private revelations I've had as well that confirm all of this. I won't get into everything on this blog. The bottom line is: I'm finally making some changes to make myself feel wonderful about myself for the first time in my life!