More About Me

I'm starting to have a real eye-opening discovery about myself and some things that have been going on in my life for awhile, and before I share everything I'm starting to realize, I need to share more about myself and my background.

I was born with a heart condition which wasn't discovered by my pediatrician until I was 5. I have a condition called Third-degree atrioventricular block, a.k.a Third-degree AV block, a.k.a. complete heart block. Basically, what this means (and I certainly don't work in the medical profession, so this will be in complete layman's terms) is that the electrical impulses that lead from my atrium (the top half of my heart) to the ventricles (the lower half of my heart) don't work well together. My heart is healthy, but the 'electricity' inside of it is broken, if that makes sense. What this means for my heart is that naturally, it beats very slowly. My parents were told when my condition was discovered that I would definitely need a pacemaker eventually, and that the doctors would keep a close eye on me to make sure that I was implanted with one before something bad happened. I had my first surgery at age 11. I currently am on my 4th device at age 30.

Honestly, despite my condition, I've been very very lucky so far. I've hardly ever had a single symptom related to my heart. The doctors always told my parents all these horror stories of how I could potentially faint, and all of these scary things that could happen. They never did. I am so thankful for that, but sometimes I feel guilty for it too, as crazy as that probably sounds. Some people die of this condition if it isn't caught early. Luckily for me, it was discovered in my childhood, it's being treated, and I can live a normal life. I'm a member of a 'pacemaker support group' on the internet and of course, there are members of all different ages. The things these women with similar heart conditions have gone through are very upsetting to hear about sometimes. I met a girl recently who is my age and who is in and out of the hospital due to her condition all the time. She had another open heart surgery very recently. I feel guilty when they ask me about my experience, and my story is so drastically different from theirs.

I actually feel guilty for not having worse things happen to me? Does that make sense? This is so stupid, and I'm now starting to realize that I do this. I've been through a lot of crap in my life (some of which, I'll be honest, I likely won't share on this blog) and for some reason, part of my personality is to do what, feel guilty because I haven't gone through worse? I understand keeping your head held high, which is something I've always tried to do, but I think sometimes you go through things in your life that you have to embrace, and can't run away from. Emotionally, I'm realizing that I've been running away from a lot of things in my life, and I need to stop doing that right now, and start living again.