Change In Plans

Due to the massive amounts of ice and snow expected to hit the area in the next couple of days, I received two phone calls today, within maybe about 30 minutes of each other. The first phone call was the fertility clinic, canceling Mr. Bella's S/A appointment for tomorrow. The second phone call was my RE's office, canceling my HSG for tomorrow. I had been stressing out about the weather and our appointments all morning, so in a way, the phone calls were a welcome relief. However, I was also really looking forward to the HSG being out of the way (and hopefully with me having some reassurance that everything is okay), and anxious about receiving results from Mr. Bella's S/A, with hopefully an improved count. I guess we'll just have to reschedule both tests for next cycle, if the Clomid doesn't do the trick this cycle. And so we wait.

I'm "Out" At Work Now

So I "came out" to my boss today about our struggle with infertility, and she was amazingly supportive. I was nervous, but I was able to get through it with no tears. I've been missing quite a bit of work lately, due to all of my testing, and I can only guess how much more I'll need to miss, so I wanted to share with her what is going on. Honestly, I think she was more emotional during the conversation than I was, because she struggled with infertility too. We had a really positive discussion and I wanted to share some of what we talked about.

She has two children (I think the youngest one is probably 2 and the oldest is maybe 6). The first one, she and her husband were able to conceive with no problem, but they struggled with secondary infertility the second time around. They tried for 2 1/2 years to conceive, with no success. They finally went to an RE, and were not given a whole lot of hope. She didn't mention her diagnosis (we didn't really discuss "specifics"; just a general conversation about infertility) but said that she had a horrible allergic reaction to Clomid, which she ended up in the ER for. She also suffered a miscarriage at some point in there as well. Anyway, they were at a crossroads and weren't sure what to do, and then they conceived their youngest.

I think what hit me the most about this discussion that I had with her, is how emotional she got when discussing it. It clearly still bothers her. Infertility isn't something I'm going to get rid of when I get pregnant and my struggle getting pregnant is always going to stay with me. I'm really, really glad I told her, because now I don't feel like I have to worry about my job when I'm gone for treatments. I know she understands, and is pulling for me, and I trust that she's not going to tell anyone else in my office.

One of the things my boss and I discussed is how much more likely people who have struggled, are to be appreciative of their children. My boss said she loves both of her daughters, of course, but when she looks at her youngest, she'll never forget what almost didn't happen.

Nerves

Yesterday, I was in a pretty good mood about things. Today, I'm a bundle of nerves. I called my sister earlier, to update her on things, because she knew Mr. Bella and I are in the process of going through our testing, and she was really excited for me that so far it seems like things are looking up (well, except for S/A #1, but hopefully I can stop worrying about Mr. Bella's sperm after this week). She's been prescribed Clomid, and she's also tried Femara too. I don't remember all the details but I know she's been able to conceive three times on either one of those two drugs. One of those times, is my nephew, and the other two, she unfortunately miscarried. My sister has actually now moved onto adoption because she got tired of the up's and down's and stress of it all, and I can't say that I blame her. I can totally see how that would happen. She's also quite a few years older than I am, so she's not really too sure how many more reproductive years she has left. I do have time on my side more than she did so I really should try to remember that more. It made me feel good to have my sister excited for us, but as excited as she is, you would think that it's a "sure" thing that this is going to work for us, and I know that it's not.

Captain's Log, Day #3

I'm still definitely feeling some twinges in my abdomen, and hoping that something is happening to my follicles right now. I'm really no more moody than normal (don't tell Mr. Bella I just admitted that) and I'm kind of enjoying the hot flashes because I'm normally cold all the time. This Clomid stuff isn't too bad so far and I hope that doesn't mean it's not working.

Brand New Day

It's beautiful outside -- it almost feels like spring. I just got back from the grocery store and guess what I bought? POM juice and Robitussin. LET'S DO THIS!!!

Seriously though, I think I'm just now beginning to realize how down I've been for most of last year when I knew my cycles were messed up and I wasn't ovulating, and that there was nothing that could be done because it hadn't been a full year of trying. I really shouldn't compare my TTC journey to anyone else's, but at least girls who are regularly ovulating have a glimmer of hope each month. I had absolutely none. Looking back on it now, I really think I should've (and wish I would've) just gone to a different OBGYN. I called my doctor over the summer when I knew there was a problem and was blown off by her nurse. That should've been my first sign that she wasn't going to actually help me, other than offering unmonitored Clomid, which I've become too educated and informed thanks to my wonderful internet friends to take. Regardless, it is what it is and I can't go back and do things over again now. The important thing is that I'm finally getting the help that I need.

It's Happening

I'm not usually very emotional. I mean, I cry when watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and The Biggest Loser, but only in situations where other people are emotional first. I'm not my mom. I love my mom to death, but she is emotional as hell. I kid you not, the woman once cried while watching an episode of The Simpsons.

I just starting tearing up while reading a friend's status update about her daughter on facebook. This is not going well. I think it's time to shut off the laptop and go do something productive today, and try to keep my mind off things for awhile.

Is It Working Yet?

I took my first dose of Clomid at 10:30 p.m. last night. It's 8:30 a.m. and I'm already wondering, "Is it working yet?" So far, I feel okay -- a little fatigued and achy, though. I also feel like I just felt some twinges, but have no idea if I'm imagining that too. It's probably in my head. I feel crazy, and hopefully I'm not. This has to be normal, right? I've been waiting longer than I wanted to finally become pregnant, so it has to be natural that now that we're seeking professional help and have essentially invited a doctor into our bedroom, that I'm going to be impatient with this too. Patience is definitely not one of my strengths.

Deja Vu

Now that I'm starting my first medicated cycle of Clomid, I can't help but feel like I'm completely starting over in this journey. I'm having the exact.same.thoughts I had in my head when Mr. Bella and I began TTC:

- Will it happen the first month?
- What if it does?
- What if it doesn't?
- How long is it going to take to work?

As usual, I'm completely overthinking everything -- and that's nothing, I haven't even started the Clomid yet. Things are bound to get even crazier, and I hope Mr. Bella is ready for it. Watch out!

Busy Week

It's been quite the busy week, both at work and on the TTC journey. On Monday, Mr. Bella had his urologist appointment with Dr. S. Dr. S kind of pissed me off in the process but Mr. Bella thought I was being overly sensitive. First of all, he said that semen analyses can be "grossly inaccurate" in his opinion and asked how long we have been TTC. I told him that we've been trying for over a year, but that I have always had irregular cycles so with the exception of the crap S/A results, that we had never had any reason to believe that Mr. Bella would have any kind of fertility issue -- we've always just assumed the problem is me and that he was fine. OK, normal question.

Then Dr. S looked at me and said, "How old are you, anyway, if you don't mind me asking?" And when I told him, he kind of had a smirk and I swear I thought I saw him roll his eyes. I wanted to tear him a new one -- here we are, at an appointment for something extremely personal, and you're going to pass judgment on the fact that we're having problems, and seeking assistance? When, exactly, were we supposed to get help -- at the point when I'm going through menopause and we still haven't conceived? It's not like we tried for one month and decided we'd better go get help when it didn't happen immediately. Anyway, he did examine Mr. Bella and said that everything appears to be normal. The plan is for him to repeat his S/A, at an actual clinic (instead of driving it to the hospital like last time), allow for more time for things to build up since I think we jumped the gun last time, AND hope for much better results. And we're also going to hope for no more visits with Dr. S because, frankly, his bedside manner sucks. While we were there, I could hear him talking to other patients loudly in the hallway about their conditions. Now that time, Mr. Bella and I were on the same page -- shouldn't you be having those types of discussions in the exam room? Anyway, that was Monday.

I went for my CD3 bloodwork on Tuesday, and a baseline ultrasound today. My results on both of those were completely normal. So apparently, I just don't ovulate on my own (or at least, very rarely) for some reason. I guess I'm relieved but kind of confused too -- at least there's nothing wrong, though, so far. I have my HSG scheduled for next week, so I just need to get through that and hopefully my tubes are open and everything looks good there too.

My RE also prescribed me Clomid, which I was kind of surprised by since I haven't had my HSG yet and Mr. Bella still hasn't had a good S/A result -- hopefully that means that my RE is optimistic about things, and that he'll end up being right. I've got my fingers crossed for good results with those two tests, and some sort of response to Clomid. I feel like everything is happening pretty quickly, and I'm cautiously optimistic so far.

How Did We Get Here?

I've mentioned that Mr. Bella and I are having difficulty conceiving, but haven't explained what I mean by that. First off, I should probably explain that I've always had irregular periods. I discussed them with my doctor when I was younger (and before I was sexually active) and I was given the old, "don't worry about it, we'll just put you on birth control" speech. Well, I was 20 at the time, and Mr. Bella (boyfriend at the time) and I had gotten serious, but were hesitant to have sex because we didn't want to worry about an unplanned pregnancy (excuse me while I laugh as I type this, because of everything that is happening now, lol), so I went with it and didn't really think much else about it.

Fast forward to September 2009 when Mr. Bella and I had been married for a few years and were discussing trying to start a family, and when I went off birth control. I did get a period, but it took awhile. And that's pretty much what happened, and where I'm at right now -- extremely long cycles. I began charting my temperature with fertilityfriend.com and have only *maybe* ovulated a couple of times -- it's pretty difficult to get pregnant if you don't ovulate. I tried to get an appointment with my doctor over the summer since I *knew* there was a problem, and again, I was brushed aside. So I waited until my next annual exam which was December 2010 to discuss things with my doctor. She tried to give me Clomid. I tried to tell her about the symptoms I've been having which sound a lot like PCOS, and she said, "Well, do you know what they do for people who have PCOS? They give them Clomid." She talked down to me like I was an idiot and I wanted to smack her. And so I headed to a specialist (an RE) a couple of weeks ago.

I really don't have a problem taking Clomid or any other fertility drug, IF that's what is determined that I need. But I'm not just going to randomly take a medication and cross my fingers, hoping it will work. I thought to myself, if Mr. Bella has a sperm problem, all the Clomid in the world is not going to get me pregnant. If my tubes are blocked, again, the Clomid is not going to help. I like to figure things out, and THEN formulate a plan, figure out the treatment. Why can't doctors respect that, and why do I feel like I know more about fertility issues than my actual OBGYN? Anyway, I was frustrated but I was (and am) ready for answers (I think).

I should mention that this whole time, I've known there's an issue with me and I really didn't think there would also be an issue with Mr. Bella too. What are the odds, right? Hmm...I probably shouldn't think like that. Mr. Bella went for a semen analysis (SA) a little over a week ago, and the results were not good. The motility and morphology, as I understand it, were "okay" but not great, and the count was pretty low. We're headed to a urologist tomorrow morning. I know I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it. My RE's office had suggested at our initial consult, that Mr. Bella begin taking Fertility Blend for Men, along with CoQ10, two supplements that can help with sperm production. I guess at this point I can only hope that either a) Mr. Bella's first test was a fluke, or b) the supplements can help.

I feel like Mr. Bella and I are at some sort of crossroads in our life together right now. We know we're having problems conceiving, but we don't know how bad it is yet. Maybe we can still conceive semi-naturally, or maybe we're both about to become walking science experiments. We also still don't know what's going on with me, and I'll be going for testing soon too. I can only hope and pray that things are not going to be as difficult as I'm afraid of.

Who Is Bella?

I'm married to my best friend, who I've been with for over 10 years, Mr. Bella. We have been married for nearly 5 years and have been trying to start our family for the past 13 months or so. I'm a planner, and Mr. Bella is an easygoing, go-with-the-flow type of person. He's extroverted and speaks his mind. I'm more introverted and keep a lot of things inside. He jokes around a lot. I'm naturally more serious. In a lot of ways, we're complete opposites, and I think that's why we're so perfect for each other. I'm what he's not, and he's what I'm not. We waited to get married because I wanted us both to be completely done with school, with jobs in our respective career fields. Mr. Bella would've been happy getting married younger, and figuring it out as we went along. We waited to try to have children because I wanted us to own our own house first, and be financially stable. Mr. Bella would've been content having kids a lot younger, and again, figuring it out as we went along.

As you can probably imagine, Mr. Bella and I have had some differences of opinion over the years, as to how to go through life and make decisions. We're on the exact same page right now, though. We are ready to have a family. I almost have to laugh sometimes when I think about the fact that we waited until the "perfect" time, and then guess what, it's just not happening. I feel like it's some kind of sick joke sometimes, having difficulty conceiving, when the girls on Teen Mom have it so easy (conceiving, that is, I'm not saying their journey as teen mothers is an easy one). One thing I will say, though, is that I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. One day, I know I will understand the struggles of what we're going through, and why we're going through it. One day, it will all make sense. One day, this is all going to be worth it.

Baggage, You Say?

Hi! I'm Bella. Well, actually Bella is my dog, but it's the name I'll use on this blog. I'm a (nearly) 30-something year old and I have baggage. Who doesn't, right? I suppose I should explain. I know "baggage" has a negative connotation, but I don't only mean that in a bad way. To me, "baggage" is the sum of who we are -- it's the heartbreak we've had to endure, as well as the good things that have happened to us. It's the lessons we've learned, the pain we've felt, and our memories, both good and bad. This is my journey through life -- and where I'll share what happens. I'm not sure what this blog will become, because frankly, I'm not sure what life has in store for me (I can't predict the future, but who can?). This is where I'll share my life, and my journey. Welcome!