What's Worse?

What's worse, being nagged, "When are you having a baby?" or when the nagging stops? Mr. Bella and I have been together for nearly 12 years and married for going on 5 years. The nagging from his family to have a baby started at my bridal shower. It continued, steadily increased, and then at some point last year, came to a screeching halt. Now, no one talks about, "When you have kids" or "When you're parents," and in a way, I think that's more uncomfortable than when they were talking about it all the time.

Do they talk about us being infertile? Do they wonder if it's me, or him? Do they expect an announcement letting them know that we'll be adopting, or letting them know that biological children just aren't in our future?

I think all of this kind of hit me last night when we were at dinner with our families, for my birthday. I had been concerned about whether or not Mr. Bella's family would expect a pregnancy announcement. Why, I'm not sure. I guess since it's pretty much the only thing I can think about anymore, I just assume that everyone else is thinking about it too, even though we haven't told his family anything, and they haven't asked. I purposely ordered a drink right away to avoid any kind of questioning looks. There were none at all. And then I realized, I don't think anyone is expecting this to happen for us anymore.

Our 4 year old nephew had a blowout when his parents were trying to leave the restaurant, so they had to quickly find a change of clothes, take him in the bathroom to change him, all while trying to avoid causing a scene. As Mr. Bella's sister was leaving with her family, my mother-in-law said to both of us, "That's the problem with having kids -- it's hard to plan anything, and things like this always happen at the worst possible time." I didn't say anything, but it hit me, she's trying to subtly let us know it's okay to be childless.

It's NOT okay to be childless, not for me, and not for Mr. Bella. That's just not an option for us, but we don't want them to know what's going on either.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that we're doing fertility treatments, but I'm scared of what Mr. Bella's family would say if they knew. I know people have some very ignorant opinions with regard to infertility and I'm trying with everything in me to be strong with what we're going through, that I don't think I have any additional strength to face the ignorance. "Maybe God's trying to tell you you're not meant to be parents." "Just relax and it will happen." "You'll have a baby when you're supposed to -- don't try to force it." Any of those comments would likely set me over the edge at this point, and I just can't give them the opportunity to do that to me right now. Once we have a pregnancy to announce, and be excited about, I have no problem letting anyone know what we had to go through to get there. But I just can't do it until we reach that point.

It's kind of strange to say, but I kind of wish for the days when people would ask us when we'll be having children. As much as I appreciate the lack of questions as it implies some respect for our privacy, I now feel like the big white elephant in the room. I don't know what's worse, but all I know is I can't wait to get to the other side of this journey and put all of these "what if's" behind me.