Change In Plans

Due to the massive amounts of ice and snow expected to hit the area in the next couple of days, I received two phone calls today, within maybe about 30 minutes of each other. The first phone call was the fertility clinic, canceling Mr. Bella's S/A appointment for tomorrow. The second phone call was my RE's office, canceling my HSG for tomorrow. I had been stressing out about the weather and our appointments all morning, so in a way, the phone calls were a welcome relief. However, I was also really looking forward to the HSG being out of the way (and hopefully with me having some reassurance that everything is okay), and anxious about receiving results from Mr. Bella's S/A, with hopefully an improved count. I guess we'll just have to reschedule both tests for next cycle, if the Clomid doesn't do the trick this cycle. And so we wait.

I'm "Out" At Work Now

So I "came out" to my boss today about our struggle with infertility, and she was amazingly supportive. I was nervous, but I was able to get through it with no tears. I've been missing quite a bit of work lately, due to all of my testing, and I can only guess how much more I'll need to miss, so I wanted to share with her what is going on. Honestly, I think she was more emotional during the conversation than I was, because she struggled with infertility too. We had a really positive discussion and I wanted to share some of what we talked about.

She has two children (I think the youngest one is probably 2 and the oldest is maybe 6). The first one, she and her husband were able to conceive with no problem, but they struggled with secondary infertility the second time around. They tried for 2 1/2 years to conceive, with no success. They finally went to an RE, and were not given a whole lot of hope. She didn't mention her diagnosis (we didn't really discuss "specifics"; just a general conversation about infertility) but said that she had a horrible allergic reaction to Clomid, which she ended up in the ER for. She also suffered a miscarriage at some point in there as well. Anyway, they were at a crossroads and weren't sure what to do, and then they conceived their youngest.

I think what hit me the most about this discussion that I had with her, is how emotional she got when discussing it. It clearly still bothers her. Infertility isn't something I'm going to get rid of when I get pregnant and my struggle getting pregnant is always going to stay with me. I'm really, really glad I told her, because now I don't feel like I have to worry about my job when I'm gone for treatments. I know she understands, and is pulling for me, and I trust that she's not going to tell anyone else in my office.

One of the things my boss and I discussed is how much more likely people who have struggled, are to be appreciative of their children. My boss said she loves both of her daughters, of course, but when she looks at her youngest, she'll never forget what almost didn't happen.

Nerves

Yesterday, I was in a pretty good mood about things. Today, I'm a bundle of nerves. I called my sister earlier, to update her on things, because she knew Mr. Bella and I are in the process of going through our testing, and she was really excited for me that so far it seems like things are looking up (well, except for S/A #1, but hopefully I can stop worrying about Mr. Bella's sperm after this week). She's been prescribed Clomid, and she's also tried Femara too. I don't remember all the details but I know she's been able to conceive three times on either one of those two drugs. One of those times, is my nephew, and the other two, she unfortunately miscarried. My sister has actually now moved onto adoption because she got tired of the up's and down's and stress of it all, and I can't say that I blame her. I can totally see how that would happen. She's also quite a few years older than I am, so she's not really too sure how many more reproductive years she has left. I do have time on my side more than she did so I really should try to remember that more. It made me feel good to have my sister excited for us, but as excited as she is, you would think that it's a "sure" thing that this is going to work for us, and I know that it's not.

Captain's Log, Day #3

I'm still definitely feeling some twinges in my abdomen, and hoping that something is happening to my follicles right now. I'm really no more moody than normal (don't tell Mr. Bella I just admitted that) and I'm kind of enjoying the hot flashes because I'm normally cold all the time. This Clomid stuff isn't too bad so far and I hope that doesn't mean it's not working.

Brand New Day

It's beautiful outside -- it almost feels like spring. I just got back from the grocery store and guess what I bought? POM juice and Robitussin. LET'S DO THIS!!!

Seriously though, I think I'm just now beginning to realize how down I've been for most of last year when I knew my cycles were messed up and I wasn't ovulating, and that there was nothing that could be done because it hadn't been a full year of trying. I really shouldn't compare my TTC journey to anyone else's, but at least girls who are regularly ovulating have a glimmer of hope each month. I had absolutely none. Looking back on it now, I really think I should've (and wish I would've) just gone to a different OBGYN. I called my doctor over the summer when I knew there was a problem and was blown off by her nurse. That should've been my first sign that she wasn't going to actually help me, other than offering unmonitored Clomid, which I've become too educated and informed thanks to my wonderful internet friends to take. Regardless, it is what it is and I can't go back and do things over again now. The important thing is that I'm finally getting the help that I need.

It's Happening

I'm not usually very emotional. I mean, I cry when watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and The Biggest Loser, but only in situations where other people are emotional first. I'm not my mom. I love my mom to death, but she is emotional as hell. I kid you not, the woman once cried while watching an episode of The Simpsons.

I just starting tearing up while reading a friend's status update about her daughter on facebook. This is not going well. I think it's time to shut off the laptop and go do something productive today, and try to keep my mind off things for awhile.

Is It Working Yet?

I took my first dose of Clomid at 10:30 p.m. last night. It's 8:30 a.m. and I'm already wondering, "Is it working yet?" So far, I feel okay -- a little fatigued and achy, though. I also feel like I just felt some twinges, but have no idea if I'm imagining that too. It's probably in my head. I feel crazy, and hopefully I'm not. This has to be normal, right? I've been waiting longer than I wanted to finally become pregnant, so it has to be natural that now that we're seeking professional help and have essentially invited a doctor into our bedroom, that I'm going to be impatient with this too. Patience is definitely not one of my strengths.